When it comes to the words “relationship counseling”, “couples counseling”, or “marriage counseling”, people fear the worst. Many people have the misconception that it means their relationship is in trouble or worse: near the end. That is not necessarily the case.
Relationship counseling is about communication. It’s about figuring out how to be able to talk and listen to one another effectively. This means figuring out what the difficulties are with the back-and-forth of communication.
Effective communication means each partner has to be certain the message they are trying to convey is exactly what the other person understands. Oftentimes what is meant by one partner is vastly different from what the other person interprets.
Think of it in terms of languages. Two people must be speaking the same language and understand the meanings of words used. If one person is speaking english and the other speaks japanese, then communication is lost.
Even if both partners speak English, different words mean different things to one another. So the first task is to get couples to understand another meaningfully. This is another problem tackled with relationship counseling: building a joint vocabulary or dictionary between the partners. That way, each person learns how to make sure that what they are trying to say is understood as intended.
With this mission in mind, we aim to help couples learn to effectively talk about anything and everything — including the difficult stuff.
Below are some common questions Joseph (our relationship expert at VCS) often hears.
Can the therapist tell us which one of us is right? We have a fight to resolve and need a third person.
The therapist is not a referee! We aren’t intended to “settle arguments” or issues. What trained relationship therapists are intended for is listening to the way both partners try to talk the conflict through together and then identify what issues prevent the couple from resolving it. The resolution to the actual conflict isn’t the goal, but rather to fine-tune the ways of talking about them together for success.
Will my therapist keep secret some of the things I say about my significant other?
“Privatized communication” is not a good idea or condoned. The therapist does not keep “confidentiality with just one party” when working with couples. If a person decides to do a session without their partner (not recommended), be advised that what is discussed will, can, and may be shared. Our work is with the couple together.
When is the best time for us to start counseling?
Relationship counseling at any phase of the relationship can be beneficial. If I had to choose one timeframe though, I would recommend that most couples start counseling within 6 months of marriage or whenever a deeper step of commitment occurs. For some it may be moving in together. For others, discussing exclusivity. The “deeper step” depends on the couple.
This is the sometimes the timeframe which overall issues start to come up. This is the period that the “real” people in the relationship start appearing and the start of “Mold and Modify” expectations creep in.
We started dating a while ago and are still in the “honeymoon” stage. Why would we need counseling?
Hate to ruin the mood, but neurobiological research has shown that the “honeymoon phase” lasts only about 36 months. Afterwards, the biological connection needs to be “rekindled” because the natural “fire” only lasts so long. It is up to you to recreate and choose the emotional connections.
What exactly will we be talking about?
We begin with early life and family. We start there because that is primarily where we learn attachment (where many attachment wounds are created). Our family experiences create our understanding and ideas of safety, security, stability (physically and emotionally). It creates the foundation for relationship success or failure. Many people find wounds not only from experiences in childhood, but seen experiences of parents. This would include inappropriate behaviors seen in parent’s relationships ( abuse /neglect/infidelity). School, friends, and previous relationships all create perceptions of what is safe and unsafe in the world around us. Those are the experiences that lay the foundation of both healthy and unhealthy relationship structures and how we view the world we live in.
Out of both of us, who is the “client”?
In relationship counseling, both parties are considered the “client”. There is no one person singled out as the “primary” or “main” person. Remember: a relationship is about how the couple function together. It would not be therapeutic to focus on one person. That is what individual counseling is for.
If we are both “the client”, why can’t we use our insurance to pay for our sessions? Other therapists have done it for us.
Insurance companies and their policies are complicated and difficult to navigate. Here’s the simplified explanation:
When an individual goes in for therapy, they meet with a professional for the initial appointment. At that time, depending on the main issues the client is looking for help for, they get a diagnosis. Think of the diagnosis as the mental health problem that is the primary reason for the therapeutic work. It could be anxiety, depression, substance abuse, anything listed in the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition). The diagnosis given is the basis for the insurance companies to approve or deny sessions.
The therapeutic work centers around the individual client and the mental health issues they’re working on. The therapists sole responsibility is that one client’s well-being and goals. Insurance companies acknowledge the necessity of 1 person needing help with 1 official diagnosis having met medical criteria, and therefore will approve the sessions.
Couples work is different. There’s no individual client nor does the therapeutic work focus on any mental health issues presenting from one individual. Both parties in the relationship are the client and the clinical work is about changing patterns of communication and behaviors together. Since the clinical work isn’t based on 1 person meeting “medically necessary” criteria, insurance does not approve the services. Talkspace explains it very succinctly in their explanation as well: “Even though acts and laws have been passed requiring mental health conditions to be covered just like physical health conditions, the question becomes, is your need for marital counseling an actual medical health diagnosis? The answer there is most often, no.”
How about just using my significant other as the “client”? They have a mental health disorder that is affecting our relationship anyways.
We have many clients that have sought services with that reasoning. We definitely understand the logic and it makes sense in some situations! The problem is clinical therapy works differently. If it were the case that a significant other has a mental health disorder that is causing issues, then we wouldn’t be doing relationship counseling. The approach would be to work with that person one-on-one without the significant other. The primary focus would be about how the mental health issue affect the person, we might even talk about how it affects the relationship, but minimal focus on the couple.
Want more information about relationship counseling? Call us today at 202-630-1765 or complete the form below!